gone for good

i just found this stuff i wrote while i was in france, stored in some dark corner of my computer. i very much enjoyed reading it over again.

i wrote these words nearly a year ago. it was towards the end of my stay in france, and i was definitely in a funk at the time. lately i've been thinking a lot about traveling, and thinking about ways to emotionally prepare myself for a life filled with traveling to places far more isolated than paris. the great thing about reading this stuff over again is that i can see that i still had a sense of humor-- which i think is probably the best defense a lonely isolated person can have. so, maybe i've had the strength all along deep down, and with more experience and fine-tuning i can get to that emotional place one day...
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6/2/08
being vegetarian in paris is an interesting experience. i find it
easy to compare with my experiences in texas, though meat-eating
texans seem to be a bit more personally offended by vegetarians than
french people are.
however, in both places, i encounter a lot of people who don't
understand how i could be vegetarian, or even what it means sometimes.
when i met éric, a friend of my hostmom, he asked me about my eating
habits.
"but you eat chicken, yes?"
"no."
"but fish, of course?"
"no," i repeated with a smile.
i forgot how hard it can be to have to eat out in non-veggie friendly
places. always having to examine menus before committing to sitting down and what-have-you. eggs and cheese and salad are generally the best i can
get at the real frency places. "ethnic" restaurants are usually the
better route if i want a balanced meal.
my roommate, anna, told me she saw a protest the other day about meat
and animal cruelty. i was shocked, and so was she-- but she did
mention that there were only about 30 people, which is slim for a
french demonstration; usually the french will take any excuse to
protest...

last night i was out and about all day, and when i got home, i wanted
nothing more than to do my laundry, take a shower, and read. when i
walked in the door i found an animated dinner party with ABBA blaring
in the background.
marie-charlotte was there, her brother, and my hostmom's daughter and
her boyfriend were there, too. normally i would have been happy about
the AMAZING vegetarian salad with seaweed and tofu that laurence made
me, the large glass of wine i was poured, the music (oh yes, i'm a die
hard ABBA fan), and the company. but i was so exhausted that i could
only stare into space.
they spoke passionately in french as i stared as elsa's (laurence's
daughter) dog played with the cat. marie-charlotte was once again nice
enough to pay more attention to me than the others, and she translated
that they were arguing about family.
had it not been for the language barrier, i think i would have felt
more comfortable excusing myself, but instead i waited for a good hour
to say that i had homework to do. and when i did, marie-charlotte was
the only one who noticed. if i had known that they wouldn't care, i
wouldn't have sat there like a zombie for so long...
but they didn't strike me as the kind that would appreciate me
walking past the dining room with wet hair, going to and fro with
dirty laundry as they ate their fancy bread and expensive meat. so, i
had nothing to wear the next day.


there are two things that i can always spot on the sidewalks of
paris: poop and feathers.
poop: because no one scoops that stuff up. there are even laws with
hefty fines, but no one does it! i've read that it's "good luck"
around here to get crap on your shoe, but i tend to try and avoid it.
feathers: because i always have an eye out for feathers. one of my
very wonderful friends told me once that if you find a feather, it
means you're on the right path. i guess i'm kicking ass in the game of
life, because i find at least one feather a day.
well, it's probably just because there are so many pigeons here, but
that's okay, because i think pigeons are cute, so i still collect
their feathers. but i do get quite excited when i find feathers from a
different kind of bird.
brittany commented the other day that she thinks it's insane that
every time she's with me, i find a feather. but, i explained, aren't
you always looking at the sidewalk too, in case of surprise poo shoe?
guess not.

i don't shave my legs, and i'm a hairy gal. i'm irish, after all. i
think the reactions i get for this in portland as compared to paris
are very interesting.
i am very "femme", for the most part. i may not shave my legs or my
pits, but i a all about sparkles and frills. i wear skirts often. and
i generally don't try to hide my hairy stems.
in portland, people flat-out stare at me. i'll be sitting on the bus,
and the person across from me will stare at my legs, look at the rest
of me, then at my face, with a look of utter confusion.
in paris, no one seems to notice. my legs only get few stares. but
it's because they can't stop staring at my tattoos, instead.
in either case, i think it's fun to mess with people. they usually
don't even notice that i see the staring at me until they look at my
face, at which point i stare at them in the eye as hard as possible.
not in a mean way per se, but just an expressionless stare to make
them uncomfortable. sometimes you can tell that they feel bad for
staring at me. but usually i can look away and catch them looking at
me again in a minute or two. it's such a fun game! i'm terribly amused
by it.
but i especially think it's funny in paris, because everyone knows
you're not supposed to look at people.

portland and paris have very similar weather. it will often do that
almost-raining-drizzling thing here, much like in portland.
but parisians blow my mind, because they ALL seem to ALWAYS have
umbrellas on them. portlanders think you're a wuss if you use an
umbrella, but parisians take every precaution.

in london, i got to experience the cambridge market. it was fabulous.
so much to buy, for so cheap, and you could always bargain people
down.
but dear god, they are so pushy there! you glance at something and
the person working at the stand will ambush you. begging you to buy
it. it reminded me a lot of the falafel and crêpe stands in paris,
where they will also harass and beg. i can't think of any place in
america where that commonly happens, except maybe in new york, where
they will try to sell you fake designer purses on the street. so then,
perhaps it's just a huge city thing, rather than a european thing.

there was a bar close to our hostel in london that we checked out our
first night. it turned out to be a gay karaoke bar-- my dream come
true. i think annie was a bit uncomfortable at first, but some
canadian boys befriended us and she seemed to ease up. they were funny
guys. when i sang "rocket man" by elton john they jumped on the stage
with me and gave a very memorable performance with me.
i loved that about london. it was so easy to find to the homos, the
ridiculous people who love karaoke, and pierced-up, tattooed
different-looking folks. i know that knowing the language certainly
helped a lot when i was in england, but in paris you just don't even
SEE those kinds of people walking around very often. you have to go to
the marais to find a gay bar, and they almost always cater to gay boys
rather than other kinds of queers, and you have to go up to obscure
art galleries in montmartre to find any freaky people

the aforementioned canadian boys reminded me very much of "typical"
american guys in some ways. they were very excitable, they were
straight (they stumbled upon the gay bar also, not knowing it was gay,
but certainly not taken aback by it), and they were sort of...
dude-ish.
they came back to the hostel with us (we were all staying there) and
they played guitar and tried to flirt with us. they were loud and
good-natured. they reminded me of american boys just out of high
school.
sometimes "dudes" can (stereotypically, anyway) be mean to people
they don't like, but not always. but i was happy to hang out with
these dudes. oh, canadians. i guess those boys confirmed my impression
that canada is like a better, kinder version of america.

my hostmom told me a few weeks ago that the french are not so good at
comedy. "we leave that for the british."
it's interesting, because i don't speak french, so i can only go by
the french films i've seen, and the english-speaking french. but from
my narrow understanding of the french culture, i would agree.
especially after being in london, and seeing british comedy my whole
life.

okay. i feel like i rarely write good things about the french. there
are some quirky little habits of theirs like i do like.
for example: eating. i love the way they always hold their knives AND
their forks. it's adorable. and there is apparently a weird cultural
thing they have with bread. you are NEVER to put your bread on your
plate. you always put it on the table next your plate. it doesn't
matter if the table is bare of if there is a table cloth. while, as a
germaphobe, i am on the one hand disgusted, i also think it's kind of
cute. they also eat so late! dinner is always at 8pm or later for my
hostfamily, and even most of the other parisians i know do the same.
i generally like their attitude towards food. i wish there were more
vegetarians, and i think things like foie gras are cruel, but in
general they eat well and not excessively. they do enjoy such small
pleasures in life.
i didn't mind adapting to these things for the most part. one of my
majors is anthropology, so i love picking apart little cultural
idiosyncrasies.

i am constantly hearing american music in this city. or at least--
english music. everything from ABBA to journey to justin timberlake.
seriously, journey? in the grocery store? bizarre!
when i go out dancing, the music is almost always american. it's
funny, because we certainly don't listen to a lot of french music in
the states. i know "les champs-élysées"; does that count for anything?
not really.
i wonder if it's all part of america's powerful global influence. or
maybe our music just rocks? i don't know, but it weirds me out a
little.
i went to a horrendously overcrowded bar the other day, and
downstairs there was a dance floor with zero ventilation. seriously,
when i came out for air i felt like i had taken a shower with my
clothes on. covered in sweat. but back to the point: the dj (who was
french) played old school american music, like "jailhouse rock" and
"stop in the name of love."
all i can say is, "wow," and dance on.

today i finally made it out to shakespeare & co. for the first time.
it was one of my best experiences in paris, by far.
it's amazing. the selection is great, and the library collection is
wonderful. i spent hours there, reading a book on socialism and
watching the light change amongst the absurdly stacked books. if you
investigate upstairs, you will find a couple of mattresses on the
ground. there are cups left around. a cluttered desk here and there.
every inch of the walls are covered with art and letters and pictures
and anything else you could imagine. i could go there a million times
and still probably discover new things.
and everyone speaks english! it's like being in a coffee shop full of
college students. you overhear interesting conversation and get drawn
into every genre section.
it felt like home.

and still

i sometimes struggle to be the person that i really want to be. to feel worthy and deserving. i hope that some day i won't always be searching for that person.

HURRY CHASE!

today i had a really great interaction with Loulis. My trainer took me to the observation room for the interaction, which was nice, because windows separate us from the chimpazees, rather than caging where you have to be extremely alert about safety violations. in the observation room you can just focus all your energy on playing, signing, whatever the chimps might be wanting.

and all loulis wanted to do was play. for a while he just checked out my feet (i took off my shoes and socks) and pointed around, presumably telling me to bang them against the glass in different spots. at one point he kept pointing higher and higher, and from my chair i was sitting in, i eventually couldn't make my feet get as high as he was pointing-- he seemed to be tickled by this, and i thought it was pretty funny too. then we played chase for a while, running back and forth through the observation room, then into the classroom where we opened up the blinds so he could see in (and also see out the front door of the building-- prime people watching there). since he sometimes just points at the glass, we just kind of guess about what he might want us to do. so i started pointing where he was pointing, and knuckle-banging where he was banging. i loved his response to this-- he stuck his face up to the glass. so i kept banging, and then he stuck his ear to the glass to hear it. then, later, he did it again, and my trainer stuck her ear to his ear. we did that with him a couple of times and he seemed to enjoy it. we also kissed at each other through the glass. at one point he offered me a pronated wrist (a natural chimpanzee gesture meaning, more or less, "i come in peace."), and i kissed my wrist and brought it level with his on the other side of the glass.

he was just in a great mood, full of playfullness.

we'll collect the moments one by one

very exciting news, friends! the other day i got invited into chimpcare, which is caregiving for the chimpanzees i have been volunteering with. i am beyond thrilled and excited and humbled. i can't wait to do more for this family. dar, loulis, and tatu (and of course, moja and washoe who are no longer with us) have taught me so much (i don't care how cliche that is!) and have given so much to my heart. i can't wait to learn more for them... to take them on their own terms in any way i can. to give back to them.

it's been a bit hard to be in a new place, but i've been feeling a lot better about it lately. i love the space i've created for myself, and it's so great to have friends come spend time in this space! keep the visits coming!

goodness seems to be filling up so many crevices in my life lately. so much to look forward to...

tuning finely

had houseguest for the extended weekend-- a good friend i made during my apprenticeship this summer. she is currently living in montana, but she drove up to visit. we share southern roots and like to cook together, so all weekend we ate, all from scratch, fried green tomatoes, my dad's world famous potato salad, home-made black bean burgers, elaborate breakfasts that always included farina, biscuits and honey, etc... there was also lots of champange drinking (andre-- only the finest).

it was good to have her. i laughed more than i have in months, but that's partially because i'm somewhat depressed. or rather, i go back and forth between depression and hopefulness. i feel very alone sometimes, but then, somedays i don't feel so alone... and other days i feel proud of myself for doing so well on my own, with very little immediate support. so, not to worry... the horizon is bright.

i'm glad obama won. i think it will be great fun to tell conservatives that if they don't support obama 100% no matter what then they are TOTALLY UNPATRIOTIC AND CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF UHMERIKA. we can all just find brand new ways to use mccarythistic tactics to scare and shame each other. so much fun!

i've been able to keep plants alive lately. and i enjoy cooking now? and i am even more of a homebody than before. i get excited about saving up for new house shoes. i think my dreams of becoming a scientist might interfere with my ultimate dream of being an old, old lady.... starting... NOW.

in other news... my linguistics class sucks... i discovered that learning statistics is fracking awesome... i am having really bad back problems and other symptoms that are possibly related to stress (sort of working on that), and i still really enjoy getting to work for the chimpanzees here. basically just trying to fine tune my life, and i can realize that this process can often seem way more dramatic than it really is.

sorry i never blag anymore.

i find that it's sometimes difficult to have discussions about equality because everyone seems to have a different understanding of the word. how do you define equality? don't cheat and look it up! i like hearing honest personal definitions of the word. and, of course, i don't mean simply "the state of being equal," but rather-- what does it mean in society to be equal, and is it possible? *describe* equality.

on to more personal, less abstract stuff-- my apprenticeship ended yesterday. i can honestly say that this has been one of the most inspiring, brain twisting, positive experiences in my whole life. i could have just come here as an intern in the fall and spent the summer with my friends... and though that would have been good for my heart, i don't regret sacrificing it. i got fantastic experience doing research that i probably would not have gotten as an intern. working long hours with my fellow apprentices made for some great bonding and tomfoolery. my core research team was SO amazing, too. our leader is so great, the literature we had to read was always interesting (though often sad), and our discussions kicked ass. kevin and i may have butted heads a little, but it definitely made for some lively meetings (that were notorious for running an hour+ overtime). even collecting data was fun!

i got to know people that i might not have become friends with otherwise. after being in france and having such a shit sandwich of a time there, i was a little insecure that perhaps years in portland had made me a snob who could only relate to certain kinds of people. the people in the paris program really just... made me feel like a bad person sometimes. so coming here and meeting (sane) people who i had little in common with besides a love and respect for animals, and being able to find dear friends in them... feels wonderful! seeing them go is even more upsetting than i expected it to be. i hope that some of them will come back here for undergrad/grad school-- and i have a feeling that a couple of them will.

as sad as it is though, having a day off has been HEAVEN. i'm taking a couple of days for myself, then i'm volunteering some more at the institute since i'm already trained and stuff. it's crazy having time to clean my apartment and read, write letters... you know, normal stuff! this morning i even got up semi-early and made brunch with a couple of friends. a southern brunch with grits and hashbrowns and the like. it reminded me of family brunch back home, and it was really pretty great.

but anyway... these chimpanzees have stolen my heart... they help me feel more and more at home every day.

i would like to leave you with a quote from the book "teaching sign language to chimpanzees" that i really like:

"The sign language studies of chimpanzees . . . have neither sought nor discovered a means of breathing humanity into the soul of a beast. They have assumed instead that there is no discontinuity between verbal behavior and the rest of human behavior or between human behavior and the rest of animal behavior-- no barrier to be broken, no chasm to be bridged, only unknown territory to be explored."

monkeys

it bothers me to hear apes referred to as monkeys. i know that sometimes my friends and family jokingly call me "monkey girl" and all, just to be cute, but i don't think it's funny. i think that calling them monkeys is a smaller part of a very, very big problem.

a lot of people just don't know. for those of you who don't-- gibbons, orangutans, chimpanzees, humans, and gorillas are apes. there are hundreds of species of monkeys, from macaques to capuchins to baboons. apes have fingernails, no tails, high levels of cognition, and can brachiate, which is a fancy way of saying that they can raise their arms above their heads and swing them around. monkeys have claws, USUALLY have tails, and only 2 species of monkeys can pseudo-brachiate.

i read a really interesting article that said that non-human apes are the last savages. franz boaz among others started a movement in anthropology that did away with the popular idea of tribes being primitive and less than human; we now know that those tribes are just as complex and sophisticated as any western culture, only in different ways.

i think that we often see apes as defective humans. just look at the way they are used in our media. dressed in business suits, banging things around and "smiling" (which is actually a fear grimace, and can't be taught. it is always a result of being beaten, or at least threatened). we are taught that chimpanzees have the same capabilities of a 3-4 year old child... which is outstandingly ridiculous. a 3 year old child could never survive in the rainforest the way a chimpanzee does. they don't have the problem-solving skills or the extensive culture that chimpanzees need to use tools and fit into their social hierarchies. it's kind of insulting, actually.

so they're exploited in our media-- which often, as research has shown, leads people to believe that they are not endangered species. i watched a video today of orangutans being beaten for a las vegas show. it was from a hidden camera. apes who are systematically beaten show a similar behavior to humans, especially children who are beaten: they intently stare at their beaters. it's unnatural and disturbing. the orangutans would watch their every move, and one winced and ducked down as soon as the trainer turned toward her. veterinarians later found that the orangutans would immediately urinate or defecate as soon as the trainer walked into the room, accompanied by whimpers. and yet, the trainer and the entertainment community in las vegas sued PETA and the veterinarians, as well as the dancer who took the footage, for slander, and won several million dollars. they were painted as "radical extremists" and "terrorists," even though the dancer got threats keyed onto his car, and another woman who was going to testify received a phone call from someone who threatened to burn down her barn and kill her animals if she testified. so, the "high class monkey show" went on for many more years.

people don't know that they're endangered, they don't know about the bushmeat trade, there are grand misinterpretations of ape behavior all over the world, especially in the US, and some people are convinced that breeding them in captivity is somehow solving their endangered status; and people profit from this, i can guarantee you. they want them to be called "monkeys." calling them monkeys separates them from us further. just like humans don't want to be called apes, we don't want to give our cousins the same title. and if it's not malicious intent, it's definitely an issue of just not caring enough to know the information, even if these people are in direct contact with apes. i think that very often though, people don't want them to have fingernails or feelings.

as for me, i see it as comparing a black person to a chimpanzee-- extremely offensive. i'm sure plenty of people would think i'm overreacting, but combined with everything else apes have to endure, it truly is demeaning.